Tuesday, 2 February 2016

Secrets of a Pastor’s daughter 3 - The abuse

This bad root I carried with me, started when I was a little child, I do not remember the exact age, but I believe it started when I was 6 years old.

Yes, I suffered sexual abuse as a child by a family member. It was not just once, but it went on for years ... For me, it all started as a game, I did not understand or had any malice, but as I grew older and I began to understand what that “game” was all about, something inside of me changed. With the awareness that the whole thing was not a game, I moved away from that person and started feeling sick with the sight of him, got angry at him, started to feel indignant and so, my character changed.

I wanted to forget everything and so I buried in the depths of my memory. I did not want to even have a little memory of anything, I wanted to hide at all costs, it made me feel very ashamed. Do I tell my parents? No way, EVER. How would I explain that? When I arrived in Japan and started listening to all those insults at school, that I was ugly, etc. All this only exacerbated the feeling of inferiority, the complex, the feeling of being dirty and unworthy. It was as if those negative words confirmed what I believed about myself all along. I did not understand that that anger, the strong temper, the revolt started from what had happened to me in my childhood. Yes, the abuse made me feel very, very bad.

The devil worked so much in my mind as to make me think that God did not exist, because if He did exist, then why did He allow me to go through so many bad things? I would always ask myself: "I was the daughter of the pastor and why God did not protect me? Where is God because I do not see Him in my life? The anger against the Universal Church grew inside of me with every contemptuous word that I heard in school. And the famous questions: "Why me? Why God does not do anything for me? Where is God? My father preaches so much about this God, where is He? "These were the questions I would constantly have inside of me. Tears and more tears I shed in my room. In spite of all, I never blamed my parents, nor think anything bad about them, ever. Of course I did not see the devil working in my life, in my mind, but even so, I did not judge my parents nor blame them for my misfortunes.

All this made me be a frustrated person, full of inferiority complex, full of anger and hatred against the Church, I got rebellious, became a cold person, I didn't like to express love for anyone, I would stay quiet, with a terrible temper and even with a desire to die. Until one day, I was 13 to 14 years old, tired of everything, in my own room, I spoke to God. I said: "God, if you really exist, if what my father preaches and the testimonies these people give are true, so I want to see you Lord in my life as well. I am tired of crying and of all the pain and suffering, then God, I'll put into practice everything you say through the Church, but I want to see you Lord in my life. Take away the sadness, and all the pain from inside of me, I want to change. I want to be happy."

Next week I will share with you how I overcame and how I had my encounter with God. See you next week. God bless you and see you then.

Juliana Furucho

Translation by: Tatia Oliveira


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