I wanted be approved

Hello, my name is Vanessa and I'm 29 years old. It all began with the separation of my parents, I turned into a rebellious little girl, kept to myself a lot and didn't like being around a lot of people. Even though I was like that, I always wanted to feel and be accepted by my family and others.

When I was younger, I remember playing with my boy cousins, imitating what adults did. We would plays games, like house where I would be the mom and they the dad and if my other cousins were around then they would play the kids. I never told my mother because I didn't want to get my cousins in trouble. I had begun to keep things inside.

When I became a teenager, I mostly kept to myself. I dressed like a tomboy because I didn't like my appearance. I was uncomfortable in my skin. In school other girls bullied me. I was made fun of for the way I looked. There was a girl who picked on me and said that my face looked like a dog with sad eyes, there were even girls who would tell me I couldn't be friends with them because I looked ugly. That affected my self-esteem quite a bit. Which why I kept to myself. My family would also criticize the way I looked by telling me that I was either gaining weight or too skinny. So I began to try to change my self to gain their approval. But every time I changed something, I would only receive more criticisms. I lived my adolescence trying to live up to other people's expectations.

I had two personalities growing up, and it all depended in what environment I was in. In the house I was a rebellious, I showed who I truly was. At school I was shy and the one who didn't have friends. I had a lot of anger inside and would fight with my mother and sister. At school many considered me of being with my nose in the air. This was how it was in my teen years.

Dating in high school was painful; many times I was cheated on. If I had a boyfriend, it was because I would go after him. I didn't think I was good enough to be sought after. I felt inferior to the other girls. I constantly compared myself to them, thinking why I didn't look as pretty as so and so. Maybe that was why I had been cheated on. As an adult those feelings of unworthiness grew when my husband, then boyfriend, cheated on me. I felt that the other girl was better than me in every way, so I tried to do things to an extreme to get him to stay with me.  I would try use feelings to get him to stay.

This was how I came to the Universal church with many insecurities, feeling not valued, with low self esteem. Through a process of deliverance and with the help and encouragement of the wives I began to change. They encouraged me to try new styles, and complimented me when I did. I traded my tomboy look for a more feminine one. But it wasn't until I had my encounter with Jesus, when I truly began to see myself with a different set of eyes. God helped me see that I was beautiful, special and unique and didn't need to hide behind baggy clothes.   It wasn't an easy process trying to find my style, but I kept at it until I found it, and I'm still evolving. I no longer need the approval of someone to make me feel good, because God has made me feel valued. I've come to realize my true worth that I am a daughter of the Most High God and there is nothing greater than that.